Today I would like to introduce you to a brand new therapy, invented by myself just this past week. It’s called Hammock Therapy™ and has the potential to revolutionize the world of curative psychological therapeutics.
The concept is simple: set up a hammock and lie in it daily, for at least an hour, preferably more*. But the potential benefits of Hammock Therapy™ are endless, ranging from reduced anxiety to a new-found confidence to break into cars.
Perhaps the second claim requires more explanation.
I love hammocks. Maybe it’s being suspended in air, maybe it’s the womb like cocooning… what ever it is, a hammock is instant transport to heaven. I own a camping hammock, and until this week, I only used this hammock camping. But then this weekend, I had a flash of brilliant insight — what if I could find a place to hang up the hammock where I live?! An assessment of my apartment presented no options. Moving outdoors, a number of options appeared precarious, and one tested option failed outright. After sleeping on it, my brain said, why not just hang it from the railing. Sure, it’s a bit tight and only a few inches from the ground… but it WORKS!! I have a hammock right outside my door – easy, daily Hammock Therapy™ access.
The first day I set up my treasured sling and lay in it, it took me a good hour to stop fidgeting and settle down. This resulted in many online selfies. After settling down, I was able to enjoy the blue sky and sun filtering through the trees behind my apartment, listen to the rustling of the bamboo and the twittering birds, and pretend the rest of the LA noise of traffic, helicopters, and leaf blowers were the lulling sounds of ocean waves.
I finally had to leave my Hammock Therapy™ canvass haven to go to work. I arrived at work and promptly locked myself out of the car. My typical reaction to this event (which occurs more often than I’d like to admit) is to have a break down, cry some, then seek salvation elsewhere (AAA). BUT, I was high on self-care so I decided that this time I would deal with it.
I enlisted the help of the high school girl I was supposed to be tutoring, we found a crow bar in her garage, and she got a hanger. We broke into my car disturbingly easily. It’s rather hard to push the lock button with a wire hanger, but fortunately (since I am a LUCKY person) I had locked the car with it running, so I was able to catch the window button to put the window down. The whole process, including Googling “How to break into a car” and washing up afterwards, took less than 15 minutes, and we were still able to finish her physics homework in the remaining 45 minutes (with apologies to her mother, who arrived later, for accidentally teaching her daughter how to break into a car).
And THAT, my friends, is after just ONE session of Hammock Therapy™!
Since then I have reveled in Hammock Therapy™ daily. I have lost weight (it’s too comfortable to get up for food), had revolutionary epiphanies (I can get rich promoting Hammock Therapy™), slept more (naps!!), and shed personal and ancestral anxiety.
Look how happy Hammock Therapy™ can make you**!
*Hammock Therapy™ results greatly accelerated by adding a snuggling puppers to the session.
**Results not evaluated by the FDA. This product not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.